It was only recently that Little Britain’s Matt Lucas announced the ending of his civil partnership and the beginning of the first gay celebrity divorce. Reports conclude that Lucas’ split from his partner is an amicable mutual agreement, but when it comes to ending a relationship not all of us are so lucky.

We all have horror stories to tell, from that one-night-stand who wouldn’t stop calling to that pesky pull who we might have accidentally given the wrong impression. Gay men are often seen as living in a ‘new month, new boyfriend’ culture and to be honest some do. Then so do some lesbians, some straight men and some straight women, so no one is in any position to criticise anyone else. Where’s the harm in having fun?

If you aspire to join the ‘new month, new boyfriend’ culture or you want to live the single life for a while, here is a ten day guide to ditching the guy that’s holding you back. Please don’t take this advice too seriously – by all means take some inspiration from it, just don’t come beating on my door when your newly ex-boyfriend tries to have you killed, castrated or kidnapped.

Day One

Start off by trying to make him uncomfortable, it’s always better when it comes to the break up if he thinks it’s a mutual decision.

Tell him you think his dad is hot, it’ll freak him out but tell him he should take it as a compliment. Then, casually mention that he has the fashion sense of John McCririck but say that it’s okay because you’ve always had a thing for guys with funny sideburns and dodgy hats.

Day Two

If he’s lapping up your comments designed to turn him off, it’s time to start hinting that the end is nigh. Let him catch you staring at guys everywhere you go, then point them out and tell him that you wish he had their hair, their eyes or their body.

Day Three

Time to tell him. Whether you’re in a short or long-term relationship, one of the first things you should do to end it is to tell him you don’t want to be with him any more. It’s common sense really. Hopefully he’s seen it coming as you spent the whole day yesterday staring at other guys. Do it in person, not by text or over the phone, unless you’re not at all bothered about losing his respect and the respect of any mutual friends you might have.

Day Four

However he took it when you told him, it’s time to rid your life of him. Throw out his stuff, don’t break it, just get him out of your life by physically removing his possessions and handing them back to him. If you have a picture of the two of you on display in your house then take it down and throw it out. Even if your hair does look amazing, you’ll feel better if you’re not reminded of him every day.

Day Five

If you followed days one to four to the letter then you won’t need to do this, but they’ll be some guys out there who couldn’t go through with it on day three and never told their boyfriend that they wanted to end it. If this is you, it’s time to cut him out.

This is only recommended for ending a very short-term relationship and can only work if you’re not likely to bump into him and he doesn’t know where you live. Ignore him, stop answering his calls, replying to texts and block him on MSN and Facebook. Sounds horrible? I did this once and it worked fine for me, the beauty of it is that you never see him again – so you never have to feel the shame.

Day Six

Day six and he is still clinging on? Perhaps he keeps turning up at your house or your work, asking for answers to all sorts of questions? If he’s silly enough to still want you in his life after you have told him you don’t want him any more, borrow his credit card and go shopping. Even if he’s loaded and doesn’t bat an eyelid when the bill comes in, at least you have yourself some nice new shoes.

Day Seven

Get drunk. Couples should never get drunk together, so it’s even better if you can get him drunk too. It will force you to be blatantly honest with him, so if you have been holding back up until now you can rest assured that when your drunk you won’t be able to hold your tongue.

Day Eight

If he’s still hanging round and you think you can handle seeing him with another guy, set him up. Chances are the second he pulls someone else he’ll move on anyway so you’re just speeding up the process. Just be careful not to set him up with someone you like or might like in the future.

Day Nine

If it’s got to day nine and he still hasn’t got the message, be malicious. We’re gay, this is what we do best: sleep with his twin brother or best friend. Then he’ll get the message.

Day Ten

If all else has failed, get a restraining order.