The first sentence of any piece of writing work is always the hardest to write, because there is so much pressure on making it perfect and amazing. I have to use it to grab your attention and lead into the topic all at once. Well, I’m not faring that well am I? Hellen, our Editor here, has been nagging me for ages to write an article for Strictly News. I guess it is fair, considering I’m the token fag in the office. I also happen to be South African, another minority in our office.

I’ve been in London but a month and a half and am loving it. I’m so fresh I still love the tube! There is only one problem I’ve encountered during my stay here. English men aren’t hot. On average, and it's important to note that I am generalising here, British men have rubbish bone structures. Never mind receding hairlines, watch out for the receding jaw lines! I’m not the only foreigner that has commented on this either. I live in a very international house and we have had a good bitch about the subject.

Once you’ve made peace with this, the next step is to adapt to the overwhelming paleness of most British men. I can’t really hold this against you, shame, your summer is disturbingly shit. Also, when you do have the opportunity to get in the sun, you just burn. I’m from Cape Town. A very sunny favourite with British tourists, who foolishly decide that sunscreen is not a friend they need. This is a cardinal error that leaves the poor buggers red, then peeling, then back to being pale.

Then, of course, you have the very important matter of dick size. I’m no size queen, but I like big dicks and at the risk of wildly offending you, I have to say, British men don’t measure up. Yes I’m still generalising, and have been pleasantly surprised on one occasion. It was actually a terrifying ordeal.

I met this guy on a night out, and after a good stint of bar hopping we end up back at mine. The kissing turned into groping and the groping turned into full-on dry humping. It was roundabout at this point that I realised this man has a bulge that is either a sock enhanced disappointment or a sore arse waiting to happen. I just couldn’t wait to tear his clothes off, and when I finally did, I was delighted to find that there were no deceptive devices employed. I did the gentlemanly thing and gave his happymeat a proper suck and to my surprise the thing grew some more! This delight turned into consternation as the realisation dawned on me that a logistic nightmare lay ahead. I was out of poppers and this huge dick was going nowhere unaided. Alas, the endeavour ended with a casual hand job and the swapping of phone numbers. Next time I’ll be prepared…

My final gripe about British men also involves size, but this time its vertical. I’m a tall guy, and back home that’s not all that uncommon. Here however the average height seems to be considerably less than I’m used to. This is very distressing matter which has me looking forward to my holiday in Holland. I’ve managed by lowering my standards, but can’t go much lower. (I’m lying just to sneak that pun in, my standards can always be lowered further.)

To conclude, I’m not vain or overly demanding, but the men in South Africa are hotter than the ones here. This does not however, mean that I’ve been suffering from an anaemic sexlife, I just have to look harder to find the good ones. I advise your next holiday be to Cape Town ;)

Think JD's got it all wrong about British guys? Or do you agree with his every word? Or maybe you could be the beautiful Brit bloke who can make JD change his mind!?

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