 Weird Porn
By David Flint on 16 Mar 2007
Okay, let's get one thing straight. When we talk about Weird Porn, we don't mean Bizarre Porn. We're not talking about heavy S and M or watersports spectaculars, and we're certainly not thinking of any socially reprehensible, morally repugnant and legally forbidden forms of sexual expression. That, as they say, is no fun at all. No, Weird Porn is something else entirely - that curious hybrid of ideas and fetishes that most hardened pornophiles will find themselves watching from time to time - not, as the censorious would believe, because porn invariably leads the viewer, gibbering like a madman, onto harder and harder stuff (of the type dismissed in the opening sentence)... but rather because we all like to see something a little different, a little outrageous, a little... well, weird. A jaw-dropper that will make your mates gag in their beer as you describe it.
Yep, Weird Porn score heavily on the "I Don't Believe It" scale of viewing pleasure. And that, my friends, is the main appeal. Few people are going to spank the monkey over this stuff, but everyone wants to check it out. Like a modern day sideshow, Weird Porn thrives on deformity, sensation and out 'n' out geeking to thrill the punters. And like the Freakshows of old, Weird Porn will play the gullible viewer for a sucker every chance it gets.
Movies that focus on great big tits, where the need to believe they're real is tantamount. The urge to see overly-massive mammaries in action is something that I've never really understood, but the evidence is there for the tasting. There are numerous magazines devoted to the subject, and a whole slew of tapes where the main - only? - attraction is the size of the boobs on display. Invariably, it's a fine line which separates the run-of-the-mill titter from the Weirdie Freak Show. For me, that line is crossed when the tits are either artificially inflated to Lolo Ferrari proportions, or else are as nature intended, but come attached to a woman who has no place in any sane man's sexual fantasies. After all, any obese old crone will have a large and flabby pair.
It's only a (thirty-plus) stone's throw from big tits to big everything. Now, call me Mr Sizeist if you must, but I really draw the line at gutbuckets. I mean, I like a generous amount of flesh to get ahold of, but wobbling tubs of jellied flesh make me want to heave. Sorry. The less discerning amongst you will doubtless be already acquainted with features like Heavy Hitters, the multiple volumes of XL Xtra and the charming Hey Fatty Bum Bum, for those of you who are fans of Ben Dover.
From the fat to the old: yes, there really are Pensioner Porn tapes out there. Some feature geriatrics getting it on with younger types, but the most "fun" feature a couple of OAP's doing the nasty together. Hey, old folks need lovin' too, so let's not condemn this, even if the guys do have trouble rising to the occasion (hell, it's going to happen to us all eventually, so let's not laugh). If Senior Citizens aren't to your taste, there are plenty of tapes offering the Over Forties and Over Fifties in action too. I think this is a good thing... I just don't particularly want to watch it very often.
But maybe (he said, suddenly feeling inspired) that's the whole point: we all need love and we all need sex. Even the obese. Even the old. Even the vertically challenged.
Yeah, you knew this was where we were heading, right? Dwarf porn. It's roundly condemned (usually by fully grown people who get laid on a regular basis) as "exploitative", as if these people can't choose for themselves. And well, yes, their disability is being exploited: but nobody is forcing them to get paid and laid. Indeed, Heatwave Entertainment boss Gabor Esterhazy tells the (cough) moving story of how he helped a 45 year old Hungarian midget lose his unwanted virginity with two equally small women in 'Itty Bitty Gang Bang'. Doesn't that story warm the cockles of your heart? And it must be said that a lot of people have a taste for this sort of thing. Watching diminutive Briget Powerz in action, a friend of mind commented "that's one sexy little midget", and you know, I couldn't really argue with him.
There can't be many groups yet to be offended by this article, but I'll persevere. One real shocker that came into my possession, and was sent rapidly packing, was 'Hirstute Lovers'. Now, I can sympathise to a degree with those who despair of US porn's fixation with pube removal; hell, I don't even have a problem with underarm hair. But these girls are like werewolves. Thick layers of hair cover their arms, legs, even faces. It's like watching animal porn. God help us all... is this the end result of that "Drag King" fad that swept the lesbian community a year or two back? Let's outlaw it now! Worryingly, this British made tape has spawned at least one sequel!
Each oddball porno theme seems to develop its own stars, but in one sub-genre of Weird Porn, this stardom can only be temporary. Pregnant women have only a few months in which to cash in on their newly expanded physical state, but despite society's taboo's about pregnancy and sexuality, there seems to be an endless supply of such women who are willing to shag right up to the point where they are - to quote one series title - Ready To Drop. Most porno films desperately avoid any suggestion that all the furious fucking portrayed could ever lead to fertilisation, so perhaps these tapes offer a solid public service. Then again, perhaps not. Whatever, series like Pregnant and Milking seem to fill a void.
Transsexual porn has long been popular, particularly in Italy, where chicks with dicks seem to make up an abnormally large part of the population. Sulka was the first she-male superstar, appearing in both pre-op and post-op roles. One notably squalid German tape, Sklaven Der Lust, featured a whole slew of transsexuals pissing and shitting for what felt like an eternity, before engaging in a rather hopeless orgy in which they unsuccessfully tried to fuck each other anally with their limp cocks (it's the hormone injections, y'know). You can actually buy a few of these films in Britain including the popular Joanna Jet's Vacation.
When real "freaks" aren't freaky enough, film-makers call in the make-up artists. Where 'Sex Freaks' led, so Paul Norman followed in the Nineties. His "Siamese Twins" films 'Joined' and 'Separated' showed the way; soon, he followed up with the likes of 'The Hunchback Of Notre Dame' and 'Captain Hook', 'Cyrano De Bergerac' (with a cock growing out of his face) and assorted 'Freaks Of Nature' tapes, which matched the expected "extra big, extra long" characters with double-dicked performers: no matter that one was easily-recognisable as Jonathan Morgan, who notably has only one penis in most films... no one was expecting to be fooled here. It was the novelty value that counted, and nothing seemed more novel than 'Edward Penishands'. Curious readers are advised to track down 'Paul Norman's Weirdest', which collects scenes from several of his Prosthetic classics in one easy to swallow package.
Maybe Weird Porn appeals to our most prurient natures. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I could argue that these films do more to humanise their subjects than any earnest documentary or campaigning group could ever do, by presenting them as sexual human beings, just like you and me, at the end of the day. But who'd believe me? In any case, I don't have time to debate the issue. I've got to find out more about the advert I saw in a magazine offering "media opportunities" to female amputees...
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