 Tits Tits Tits
By David Flint on 30 Apr 2007
Fashions may come and fashions may go, but one thing remains constant: men like tits. It doesn't matter how popular the waif look might be, or if heroin chic is this year's big thing on the catwalks and in vacant women's magazines, the guy on the street is still likely to have a pavlovian response to the sight of a pair of well formed knockers bouncing down the street or across the dance floor.
There's a certain irony to all this. After all, women never tire or bemoaning the fact that they are pressured into unhealthy diets and their related illnesses because they have to conform to society's view of what is currently attractive. These complaints tend to imply - or more often, state outright - that it is men that demand a certain body shape from women.
The truth is somewhat different. Magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue might well regularly tell their female readers that they all need to look like a wasted smackhead in order to fit into this year's unwearable designer rags, but men are far more inclined to want their women to be... well, like the women in this magazine. It's notable that some years ago, Penthouse tried to relaunch in the UK as a 'cool' style mag, and replaced the typical Penthouse Pet with scrawny supermodel types, devoid of womanly curves. The results were so disastrous that the new concept was rapidly dumped, and the magazine got back to business as usual (i.e. mediocre and anonymous).
Y'see, men don't want to fuck stick insects that might snap at any moment, look like young boys and are so self absorbed in their own body image that they barely even notice that your cock is up their arse. Men want curves. They want the voluptuous look of a Monroe or a Jane Mansfield, not a Twiggy. When women scoff at the likes of Pamela Anderson or Anna Nicole Smith, it's partly because once you get past the Hollywood artifice and bimbo mentality, these chicks have what most women, down deep inside, know their menfolk desire. Yet because they are constantly told that they need to lose weight, that any body fat will make them completely unattractive, that possessing breasts is something to be ashamed of - and all this coming from the sisterhood - women are constantly battling against their own bodies, trying to deny what nature and genetics have decreed will be their shape, and being miserable because of it.
It's particularly annoying to hear feminist commentators whinge that the porn industry presents a stereotyped, unattainable view of women, because that's clearly untrue. Take a look at the top shelf. You'll find a slew of magazines packed to the gusset with photos of naked girls. All ages. All sizes. Women who would never make it in the world of fashion modelling, because they are too short, too fleshy, too fucking sexy. These are women presented as is, not squeezed into hellish costumes by fey designers who clearly have issues with their own sexuality and feelings towards females. Porn strips away all that false coolness, because - recent years aside - porn has never been fashionable. We are a renegade industry, sneered at by most of society and hidden away by most of our consumers. But because porn is not concerned with the latest trends, it is able to deliver what its consumers really want. And what the consumer has wanted, for several decades, are big tits, and plenty of 'em.
Russ Meyer, bless him, recognised this years ago. So did Fellini - the Italian maestro might have been the darling of the arthouse movie crowd, but his films were never short of well stacked Italian babes. He even cast notorious tit freak Chesty Morgan in one film, though her reputation relies entirely on the two ghastly films she made in the early Seventies for director Doris Wishman. The movies are pitiful even by Wishman's standards (which, believe me, are as low as standards get), but the sight of Chesty's mutated 73 inch bosom was enough to bring the crowds in, slavering. It was a freak show for sure, but lets not kid ourselves - there were plenty of people watching her in action with a stiffy troubling their trousers. Real tit freaks are so size obsessed that no boob can be too big, and nothing else really matters. I once knew a guy who would droll lasciviously over photos and videos of the most appallingly obese women, simply because they had enormous tits. The fact that everything else was of whale-like proportions, the fact that these women were butt ugly and the fact that they were clearly going to die of heart failure very soon didn't matter. All he saw were tits.
Such dedication to the cause is rare, of course, but there are enough Freudian cases out there to fuel an industry where science and technology step in to give nature a silicone boost. Who remembers Tina Small and Zena Fulsom? Here, we had the titman's ultimate fantasy - small, slim women with eighty-odd inch chests. They were fake of course: cleverly constructed airbags which would be strapped on to an anonymous model. No-one could have ever been convinced that they were real... and yet, the tapes and magazines sold like hot cakes. At first, observers thought that it was all a joke - people were looking at this stuff for a laugh. But then it became clear that plenty of guys were actually wanking themselves silly looking at these ridiculously large bosoms. Is it any surprise, then, that Lolo Ferrari would become so popular? A woman with fifty odd inch implants was a dream come true for some people. No matter that they stuck out like air balloons, that the skin was stretched to bursting point, and that Lolo's obsession with plastic surgery had turned her into a sideshow freak. No matter too that such radical alteration of the body suggested a troubled personality. Lolo had massive tits, and for many people, that's all that mattered.
Cases like Lolo Ferrari represent the darker side of tit worship. Plastic surgery has a lot to answer for these days, especially in the American porn industry, where far too many girls feel that they need artificial help to compete in a crowded market. Sadly, this is once again a case of women misunderstanding what men want. No one likes implants. Time and time again, porn fans have bemoaned the fact that the girls insist on this ridiculous form of self-mutilation. You see ladies, we don't get off on seeing scars which tell us your nipples have been removed and then stitched back on - that's not sexy. We don't like tits that seem to be solid as a rock. Does anyone really think that a very pretty, shapely girl like Stacey Valentine really looked better after having those outsize airbags inserted? I doubt it. Thankfully, there has been a backlash of late amongst some film-makers (notably Ben Dover), and more and more girls are now deciding that natural is beautiful.
And who needs implants anyway? Tits seem to be getting bigger all the time. In the early Eighties, Russ Meyer commented that he couldn't make a film in Britain because there just weren't the tits here. A few years later, we had Samantha Fox taking Page 3 away from the willowy models of the Seventies and putting well rounded jugs onto the breakfast table. She was followed by the like of Debee Ashby, Maria Whitaker and a slew of other models who bounced their way into the public eye (nearly taking it out in the process). Since then, we've seen Britain become the home of the big tit video - the combination of strict censorship and a regular supply of well stacked babes meant that we could corner the market in softcore tit tapes, showing busty girls peeling out of their clothes and writhing around. For many years, these big tit tapes were the only Brit smut to make it into the US market, and producers soon began to produce more explicit export versions. After all, what are big tits for if not to be wrapped around your cock to wank you off?
People will try and make you feel bad for liking tits. You'll be scoffed at for being so cliched (because surely you should be into legs, or feet, or hair or something more esoteric...) and condemned for reducing women to body parts. Ignore the taunts. They come from people who are denying their own reality. We are biologically programmed to find breasts attractive, and why should we deny nature? The truth is, there's nothing more appealing that a well rounded young woman who knows that she is sexy, loves the fact that she has big tits and is prepared to give and take pleasure through them. If more women could ignore the taunts of the fashion fascists and learn to love their bodies as much as men do, we'd all be a lot happier.
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