 Why, For The Love Of God, Why?
By AJ on 2 Mar 2006
In the good old days, when hardcore porn first
came about, and there were only a few studios
producing it, sex was sex was sex. But gradually,
various things began creeping into the movies,
and these strange sexual acts were incorporated
into future pornos as a matter of course, because,
hey, don't wanna fall behind!
The thing is, the more porn you watch, the more
you get used to these stunts and consider them
an essential part of a healthy sexual encounter.
But it's not normal, is it? Do these things
REALLY turn people on? In real life? Do they
turn YOU on?
In the spirit of research, I asked a few people
who, unlike you and me, aren't porn addicts.
Here's some of the things they wish had never made
the cuts...
Spitting
: We've all had it. There
we are, enjoying watching two hot performers indulging
in kissing, or oral, or any of the multitude of
healthy sex acts available in an R18 movie.
Then suddenly: *hgguuurrhh - ptooooi!* -
one party hocks up a giant mucus loogie onto
the other one's genitalia. I mean, what?
It's not even as if it's for penetrative lubrication,
not when it's in the middle of a blowjob.
It's
great in the heated passion of a frantic rough
and tumble sexual power exchange, possibly combined
with a good slapping. It's not so nice when it's
just done out of the blue, before either
party's really turned up the heat. That's like
coming up to a girl on the street and asking
her to drink a glass of congealing spunk.
Drooling: Holds an intimate and
chronic relationship with spitting. If her mouth
is full of spunk, or general deepthroat juices,
I want her to either spit it out, or swallow
it. Letting it drool out between her lips, while
maintaining a glazed expression and discharging
a monotonic moan makes me feel slightly shameful,
as if I've been caught wanking to
vegetable porn. The kind that doesn't involve
cucumbers.
Cum Swapping: Often follows drooling.
Ever tasted your own reproductive sludge? If
so, perhaps you'll begin to see why snowballing
looks less like 'two girls sharing a delicious
treat' and more like 'two girls repeatedly
trying to persuade each other to take care of
the slimy white muck without simply spitting
it out, which they'd much prefer'.
Language: Performers really
need to be issued with a thesaurus. "Dirty" and "bitch" are
not the only words available to describe sex.
And "nasty" is fast becoming the
porn equivalent of 'love' or 'sweetheart'.
Gaping Holes: Why would a girl
want it demonstrated, in glorious, technicolour,
closeup detail, that she's probably the loosest
lay ever? I mean, it's simple physics, isn't
it? The wider the hole, the less good it will
feel on your cock. We're not all hung like porn
studs.
Hide The Panties: Yes, I know
I said it was cool when the Abattoir dudes did
it. But God dammit, those girls better have been
drippingly, achingly, begging - for - it - horny.
Stuffing fabric inside unprepared vaginas is the
female sensory equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard.
His Foot - Her Mouth: I get this
as a humiliation play thing, as in 'yeah, bitch
- eat my skanky feet'. I understand, too, that
some men enjoy receiving footjobs nearly as much
as blowjobs. That's fine. But do it in your own
time! Watching a guy have his foot sucked, and,
for that matter, having his arse eaten out is
not the most erotic of sights, and, in fact,
makes the male viewer gay by default.
Dildo blowjobs: Giving head to
a dildo. Girls sucking off their toys has got
to stop. This does not happen in real life, and
in porn it's just silly. When a chick's having
a wank, trust me, the last place she's going
to put her Rampant Rabbit is in her mouth. I
have to ask - what are men thinking when they
see girls do this? Is it a way for paranoid men
to kind of superimpose their cock on the action
without having to watch another guy get involved?
Long Fake Nails: It scares the
hell out of me watching girls with acrylics fingerfuck
each others pussies. I'm always convinced that
any minute now, their fingers are going to emerge
dripping in blood, with shreds of internal membrane
dangling off them like some kind of hematic seaweed.
Tongues Out Kissing: Yes, I understand
that porn is about the visuals. You want to see
everything, and if two girls are courteous enough
to kiss in front of you, you damn well want to
see tongues and all. But is that how you kiss
your girlfriend? Is that what makes you horny
- a slight oral flutter? I can't be alone in
wishing they'd just grab each other and snog
properly, passionately and deeply. Fuck the lipstick.
Asking Her Questions
During A Blowjob: I don't know about
you, but I was raised not to talk with my mouth
full. If you start demanding that your dutifully
sucking bedfellow tells you exactly how much
she's enjoying what she's currently doing,
don't expect a verbose response. It's just
not fair.
Immediately Taking Off The
Costume: If I've chosen a video on the
basis of hot uniformed policemen shagging dishy
girls, I want to see just that. I don't want
the actor to remove his entire outfit within
the first 10 seconds, because then he's not
a policeman any more. Surprise surprise, it's
just Pascal shagging another girl again! Let's
leave at least the hats and ties on people.
It's the details that make you come the hardest.
Cheek Stretching: Look, guys,
it's not that hard. You're
holding her head steady in front of you, your
tool is stiff and poking straight out, in direct
line with her wide open mouth. So what kind of
sexually malfunctioning halfwit would now be
unable to navigate the dick down her throat where
it belongs, and instead end up attempting to
burst out via the dead end of one of her
cheeks? Which commonly leads to another thing...
Mouth Popping Noises: Dudes,
I understand you enjoy your job. It's fine to
fool about every once in a while and act the
clown. But if you're getting a blowjob, for crying
out loud, just realise how damn lucky you are
to have Alicia Rhodes on the end of your cock
and let her get on with it. Loud comedy cheek
popping noises do not enhance the erections of
most viewers. Get on with your job.
So, will
these delightful antics feature in porn forever?
Who knows, but it seems we may as well sit back
and learn to enjoy it as much as the performers
seem to.
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